Parents are going away for an entire FIVE DAYS starting tonight, which is vair vair exciting and means a lot of fun at mine!
Also, have sent my UCAS...finally, and although i'm a little early i keep wanting to track my progress, which isn't so great...as i've lost my application number..gutted.
Other than that it's business as usual, most people have left on the school trip, so it will be a select few for the PAR-TAY tonight...i'm hoping we'll form a good group!
Peter was saying some interesting things last night about the THING (we'll call him...john) and about how he was shunted by all his friends for liking me. I never knew this and now feel i need to contact him in some way... he also reckons LE BITCHE is only interested for attention, and that she's rough looking. Apparantly his family don't hate me, they properly like me, which is such a relief considering i thought they thought i was sent from hell or similar.All in all, a very satisfying conversation on my part, just what i wanted to hear. I am very pleased with him for saying that. However, i'm now faced with a decision. With this new information, I'm beginning to understand exactly how important our thing was to him, not just to me. Peter was talking about the reason why his family liked me, and that was because he started to straighten himself out when he was with me. Basically, he is destined to be a waster unless someone pulls him up every now and again; i didn't even realise i was doing this. This has made me feel somehow more at peace with him, and i don't know whether or not to make contact again. To be fair, she was the one who knew she was doing wrong, not him. And i don't want him to flunk out again.
The thing she'll never understand is that he was more important to me than anyone else i've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and apparantly i was the same to him, or he wouldn't have put up with the teasing, and he wouldn't have straightened out. She could never mean the same to him as i did.

I decided to start writing a blog because i'm not that brilliant at keeping a diary, honestly. Plus i spend so much time on this machine anyways, i might as well be doing something vaguely constructive.
Today i've been reading some postsecrets on the internet, which have been making me think a little. Something fairly horrific happened recently and I don't mean to sound wet, but I'm feeling a little over emotional about the whole thing. It's probably something i shouldn't post on the internet in case of detection (my real name isn't "Sandra" in case you wondered). So basically I've been attempting to get all this crazy rage and upset out somehow, and ended up basically bitching to randoms on msn, which was neither helpful nor constructive...and only served to make me seem more melodramatic. So, instead I am writing a blog, and trying desperately not to sound pathetic, cringe or self-involved (which is going to be hard considering all i'm planning on talking about is myself...sorry).
So anyway, I'm finding myself (once again) in a position i don't truly understand... having done nothing wrong i'm finding it difficult to understand why i'm being blamed by my friends for such an offense. I don't really mean "blamed," but the girl cries self harm and everyone runs her way, which is just ridiculous as it's SUCH a blatant attention seeking thing to do, i mean if she was really self harming shouldn't she be trying to hide it instead? Not that i really understand such matters. Anyways, if i didn't absolutely hate her then i might have more sympathy, but she's brought it on herself, if she thinks she can do something so horrific to me and lie about it, and then have me run back and forgive her, she's got another thing coming.
So basically she's committed this heinous crime...what is it? did she murder my father? did she shoot my cat? did she beat up my best friend? nope, she WAS my best friend...and no such luck. More a typical, humiliating teenage problem, and it sickens me to admit that i care so much about it. Basically, she is now "going out" with my first (and only) "love" (I don't like to use the word "love" lightly, hence the ""). But she did lie about it. For months. To my face. And I am her oldest and best friend. Six years. And i did tell her i would mind, and she did know that was the one thing i couldn't handle her doing. etc. So I am...devastated. Absolutely gutted. So i don't talk to her, and haven't, for months. BUT all of sudden she's very chummy with my friends from school...not so odd perhaps? I better explain the delicate balance of friendships going on first. She is friends with them...through me. She has only ever made friends...through me. The awful thing about it is that she's not even GOOD friends with them, we never see her at the weekends. She tends to be off with this other set of older boys (who were originally my friends, may i add), which includes this creature that is causing so many problems. I, on the other hand, decided a long time to devote my time to those my own age for once, because they're nicer and laugh at my jokes, and i just generally think they're lovely people.
So we have this massive bust up (when i say bust up, i mean we just stopped talking, well i stopped talking to her), and suddenly she's talking to these people. ALL. THE. TIME. I mean seriously, low blow. Especially seeing as i'm having trouble looking at her face without wanting to spit in it. So i leave it, ok, she's ostracized her only friend at school (ME), and i can understand why she might want to be a little more chummy with someone. But why MY friends? There's a whole 100 odd people in our year, why the people i like? And soon enough she's confiding to them about how she keeps trying to ring me and because I'm an evil witch i just hang up (LIES), and how she can't cope now that that OBJECT has left for uni, and how she's started SELF HARMING because she JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And i'm thinking... YOU can't take it anymore, you who has done this horrible thing is the one preaching about how upset you are, and i'm just staying shtum? Naaaaah mate, this isn't right. But all of a sudden, it's too late...she's being invited to things at the weekend...and for the first time, SHE'S COMING. I'm so pissed off about this, my perhaps unwise decision is to boycott, at least it'll save me spending the entire night crying in the bathroom. There is one particular friend of mine who happens to be the worst at this...we'll call her Mary. I've known her since birth, and happen to sit next to her in one lesson in particular, the only lesson i have with LE BITCHE, we'll call it...ART. So she sits in between us, and attempts to keep the peace (or so i thought), which actually just ends up with LE BITCHE monopolising the conversation, and her never talking to me. So i tend to talk to the rather dashing young man on my right, which i don't mind as i'm able to hold a fairly interesting conversation with him, but it really irritates me that its become DEFAULT that Mary is going to partner with LE BITCHE for everything. And they're school tripping tomorrow together, not going to help the whole situation.
Anyway, so the other week we decided to hit LE PUB after the rugby, planning on watching it at Mary's beforehand. I ring my other friend, let's call her RUBY, to ask what time she's going/who's going etc., and i find out Mary thought it would be a good idea to invite both me and the one undeserving of a name other than LE BITCHE, along with some other of MY friends. So what do I do? I boycott again. And go out with some others in my year. It so happen we have an awesome time, and I meet Mary outside LE PUB, while the others are in the toilet. Cue bitchy tone:
"I thought you were out with CAMERON and MARGE (fake names) tonight?"
I reply, "Yes, I am" (in a bitchy tone).
See, to me this is rather out of order. She ditches me for a twat with a pretend self harm problem (barrel of laughs), and then has a go at me for finding others to spend my time with! If she wanted to see me, drop the fucked up sicko and see me! Jeez...
Basically, my friends have an effective choice, however impartial they want to remain, and that is to be friends with me, the one they've known for a while who they get on with well, or the girl who cries scissors. It seems highly unfair that not only has my teenage "love affair" (cringe) been smashed into tiny pieces, but I have also lost all of my friends into the bargain. I mean what kind of crazy karma is this? I am honestly pondering what I did to deserve such luck.
So I've been listening to a lot of sad music, and really making the most of being able to mope around a bit. And also, i've only had around 3 hysterical drunken crying fits...which i think is rather good, seeing as this is possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me next to bereavement and divorce (my parents, not myself...obviously). I told you I was melodramatic.